Okay, so I just got accosted by two chavs on the Metro, inquiring about what I was looking at. In a not particularly friendly fashion. However, what actually came out of their mouths was something rather like “What choo lurcking art, like?”
Oh, Lord. How can I begin to respond? I thought, sitting there and mildly reading my book (and not staring at some weird 18 ton girl in a crop stars and stripes top (okay, I did peek once!) ) I don’t speak the same language! Thus, I invented this perfectly brilliant guide to how to translate and even converse if one wished to (though I really doubt it):
1. Hippie.
Hippie, to a chav does not mean a person obsessed with the sixties, protesting world peace and uttering “far out man,” in bell-bottom trousers. Oh no. In modern day chav, it means anyone who is not a chav. This includes: goths, skaters, emos, indie kids, punks and kids in jeans and t-shirts. So use it extensively when talking to a chav, and remember, if they aren’t a chav, they’re a hippy (even if they’re 80 years-old).
(Old hippy)
(The new wave of hippies)
2. Insults
Along with hippy, your next biggest insult should be ‘oompa loompa’. This has a particular bonus, because it can be used against chavs too. The alternative (if you feel you’re insulting Willy Wonka’s helpers) if tangoed. Tango now isn’t just a drink, it’s an insult! So insult away!
3. Bling
Bling is the word for jewelry in Chav. Usually, it refers to hoop earrings (and if you want to look the part, check the picture below for size guides) or gold rings.
Just remember, when dressing like a chav, bigger is better. And NEVER EVER refer to bling as jewelry. Just remember, they created a new word because they couldn’t spell it in English. Don’t antagonize them by using such a difficult word.
5. The Park
Don’t be fooled by the phrase ‘going to the park.’ It hasn’t got the same meaning as the English phrase. In Chav, ‘going to the park’ really means ‘getting drunk and intimidating kids.’ If you make the mistake and find yourself getting dragged along, just remember- if you see anyone looking at you, even momentarily, ask them “What choo lurking art, like?” The chavs will immediately applaud your superior knowledge of their language, even if you’re asking that of a two-year-old.
6. Leggings
Girls, you may know leggings to be black tights-like-things you wear with a dress or t-shirt. You wear them to cover over your knickers, right? Well, Chav language is remarkably similar to English here, so don’t be confused. Leggings, in Chav actually mean black tights-like-things you wear with a t-shirt (never ever a dress) but here’s the difference- they’re not supposed to cover anything. In fact, the more you can see under them, the closer to the original Chav meaning you are. So if they ask you if you want to borrow their leggings remember, just say no.
Oh well, I realize this isn’t horrifically close to a topic about writing, but I guess it may come in useful. You could always use this as a guide for creating a stereotypical character…
And for all you Americans out there who didn’t get what a Chav is:
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Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, fag in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out.
My mate has become a chav what can i do? answer is shoot him before it is too late
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And if that doesn’t clear it up:
Commonly thought to be of inferior intellect, the Chavette surprises us with its cunning plan to avoid taking up a professional career and provide itself with free accommodation supplied by tax payers by spawning multi coloured mini chavs at a early stage in life, usually mid teens.
Clearly recognisable by their distinctive tribal Burberry they congregate in town centres and on street corners, Chavs have a reputation of being creative with public property and motor vehicles, building themselves Chaviots out of mechcano sets and strip lighting, and providing us with humorous banta written on toilet walls like ‘Shit’ and ‘Tasha woz ere’ in an attempt to relieve our boredom while urinating.
Their language is a basic form of English thus avoiding any words they cannot spell or pronounce, even to the extent of creating new words only they know the meaning of.
Hunting in large groups Chavs will single out the weakest, smallest prey and attack it without mercy avoiding any personal injury and insuring victory.
Chavs unfortunately don’t yet fall into the category of rodent and in effect cannot be bludgeoned to death under the guise of pest control. Darn!-
I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – a shit hole.
coffeeandmissingstars 