Okay, so I won’t keep on with the whole Saturday Brings You… (Insert Writer Here) Graffiti schlep, because I realize it’s probably pretty tedious. But today, that’s all I got in my head so, I guess you all just have to grin and bear it…
Well, that’s pretty much all I have for today. Apologies for the terrible-ness of this blog post, but my novel is snapping at me to get back to work.
Yes, it’s that ungodly time of year again, when I’m sitting there with a big fat manuscript and despair in the air around me. And I’ve finally realized, as I flick through 360+ pages with growing alarm, where I’ve went wrong.
Now, if you’re following my advice you need a friend or two to be a Beta reader. That’s a person who will willingly (or unwillingly) sit through your entire book and give you opinions. Grab an online writing friend if you can, or a real one if you’ve got one, someone who writes and/or reads a lot is probably your best bet, because they can offer a real opinion.
If you can’t find anyone like that, grab a friend and tie them to a chair and tell them they’re not leaving unless they read your book. Only do this with not-too close friends though otherwise a) you’ll get “oh, it’s wonderful” as a response to your work. “It’s the best thing I’ve read. You’re a fantastic writer! I can’t correct anything, because it’s so amazing…” and b) dude, you’re TYING THEM TO A CHAIR.
Anyhow, once you have Beta readers (3 or 4 at least is a good number) you shouldn’t just send them your work as it is. No, start on the editing, doofus! If you send them chapter 1 in first draft form, then edit and send again, then edit and send again, you’ll only bore them with over-familiarity and probably stop them picking up useful changes like a spelling mistake. At the very least, proof read it.
If you’re not up to editing yet though, then there’s some hope for you. Because here are my super-amazing-fantastic tips to stop you going insane in advance:
1. Use the advice of a published novelist: write with the door closed, re-write with the door open.
Stephen King said that. And I completely agree. Having people throwing in their cent’s worth before you have a chance to finish your book is always such a bad idea.
2. Resist the temptation to read what you’ve written.
It sounds crazy, but if you read it, you can either think you’re the most amazingest writer that ever lived, or get completely disheartened. Either way is walking down the path of Writers Block. Don’t do it! It also makes editing even harder, which brings me to my next point…
3. Also resist the temptation to edit what you’ve just written.
Okay, it does involve reading what you’ve just written. But please resist from doing it, not only because it breaks my first rule, but my second too. Because editing straight away can wreck what you’ve written. Instead you should…
4. Finish, put your manuscript away and let it breathe.
Think of your book like a fine bottle of wine. Once you’ve written your little heart out, you need to give it some time to relax, so you can get your mind out of the story. If you leave it long enough (I left mine for about a month), you should be able to notice some of the errors you’ve made. Spelling and grammar mistakes are easier to pick out, and you start to see that that amazing sentence you wrote in chapter 8 actually has nothing to do with your book. And that brilliant chapter 10? Passive. You’ve gotten bored reading it back over. Don’t edit it just yet though…
5. Read it all through, preferably in one sitting, before starting to edit . And write a list of everything you want to edit.
Speaks for itself really, because you can’t edit everything in one go. Read it over, start to notice the faults and the good bits. Don’t correct/change anything, but do maybe put a little mark on the top of the page. Printing the novel makes a lot of sense, because you can hopefully read it without thinking Facebook! Twitter! Coffeeandmissingstars! Get back to work! Writing a list of changes you think you want to make is a great way to start. Mine usually looks a little something like: More description of scene D, Develop relationship between characters A and B, reduce tension between characters C and D in chapter 8, include necklace earlier in book, cut pace, rewrite chapter 2…
6. Now go through again, and decide which bits you need to completely re-write.
There will be some. Do them in chronological order, if you can.
7. Add in some of the stuff you never got around to writing.
There will be some things, such as funny speeches, or more dramatic description, that you never got around to putting into your manuscript. Do it now.
8. Now go through again and make any changes to the continuity.
Did you make your hero have brown hair, only for it to be red in chapter 3? Did you maybe kill someone off, and forget about finding the killer completely? (Apparently, that has happened before, and to a successful author.) Did you maybe get bored with a name and change it half-way through? Or forget to input an important item early in your story? (Remember the dramatic principle of Chekhov’s gun? “If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it’s not going to be fired, it shouldn’t be hanging there.”) Of course there’s some, so go and sort them out!
9. Now write down the word count and divide it by 10. Got a number? Right, now delete at least that many words.
It’s a tip I learned from Stephen King’s On Writing book (which you completely should read, if you’ve got a writing bone in your body.) Your novel, no matter what size, should be slimmer and more compact. If you delete 10% of it, you’ll make it more streamlined. Think of it like wood carving: you have a rough block of wood. By taking a knife and cutting away the bits of wood that you aren’t using, you’re starting to create the shape of the novel you want.
10. Now, you probably hate your life, and want the stupid, smelly old novel to just go away. This is when you go through and proof-read.
There wasn’t much sense in doing it earlier, if you were going to add and delete some stuff. So do it now. And then you’re nearly finished.
11. Give it over to your Beta Readers to destroy.
Now it’s almost out of your hands. This is the bit where you actually open the door. You don’t have to change everything they suggest, but trust me, as a reader, they probably know as much as you. If they’re telling you character A isn’t realistic, trust them, unless your second reader says character A is believable. Then, just leave it. If it’s a tie, it goes to the writer.
And that’s about it. I’m off to wreck my brain over editing. Pity me, fools.
Okay, so I just got accosted by two chavs on the Metro, inquiring about what I was looking at. In a not particularly friendly fashion. However, what actually came out of their mouths was something rather like “What choo lurcking art, like?”
Oh, Lord. How can I begin to respond? I thought, sitting there and mildly reading my book (and not staring at some weird 18 ton girl in a crop stars and stripes top (okay, I did peek once!) ) I don’t speak the same language! Thus, I invented this perfectly brilliant guide to how to translate and even converse if one wished to (though I really doubt it):
1. Hippie.
Hippie, to a chav does not mean a person obsessed with the sixties, protesting world peace and uttering “far out man,” in bell-bottom trousers. Oh no. In modern day chav, it means anyone who is not a chav. This includes: goths, skaters, emos, indie kids, punks and kids in jeans and t-shirts. So use it extensively when talking to a chav, and remember, if they aren’t a chav, they’re a hippy (even if they’re 80 years-old).
(Old hippy)
(The new wave of hippies)
2. Insults
Along with hippy, your next biggest insult should be ‘oompa loompa’. This has a particular bonus, because it can be used against chavs too. The alternative (if you feel you’re insulting Willy Wonka’s helpers) if tangoed. Tango now isn’t just a drink, it’s an insult! So insult away!
3. Bling
Bling is the word for jewelry in Chav. Usually, it refers to hoop earrings (and if you want to look the part, check the picture below for size guides) or gold rings.
Just remember, when dressing like a chav, bigger is better. And NEVER EVER refer to bling as jewelry. Just remember, they created a new word because they couldn’t spell it in English. Don’t antagonize them by using such a difficult word.
5. The Park
Don’t be fooled by the phrase ‘going to the park.’ It hasn’t got the same meaning as the English phrase. In Chav, ‘going to the park’ really means ‘getting drunk and intimidating kids.’ If you make the mistake and find yourself getting dragged along, just remember- if you see anyone looking at you, even momentarily, ask them “What choo lurking art, like?” The chavs will immediately applaud your superior knowledge of their language, even if you’re asking that of a two-year-old.
6. Leggings
Girls, you may know leggings to be black tights-like-things you wear with a dress or t-shirt. You wear them to cover over your knickers, right? Well, Chav language is remarkably similar to English here, so don’t be confused. Leggings, in Chav actually mean black tights-like-things you wear with a t-shirt (never ever a dress) but here’s the difference- they’re not supposed to cover anything. In fact, the more you can see under them, the closer to the original Chav meaning you are. So if they ask you if you want to borrow their leggings remember, just say no.
Oh well, I realize this isn’t horrifically close to a topic about writing, but I guess it may come in useful. You could always use this as a guide for creating a stereotypical character…
And for all you Americans out there who didn’t get what a Chav is:
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Picture this a young lad about 12 years of age and 4 ½ feet high baseball cap at ninety degrees in a imitation addidas tracksuit, with trouser legs tucked into his socks (of course, is definitely the height of fashion). This lad is strutting around, fag in one hand jewellery al over the over, outside McDonalds acting as if he is 8 foot tall and built like a rugby player, when some poor unsuspecting adult (about 17/18) walks round the corner wanting to go to mcdonalds for his dinner glances at the young lad, the young lad jumps up in complete disgust and says “Whats your problem? Wanna make sommin of it? Bling Bling” when the adult starts to walk towards the young lad, the young lad pisses himself and runs off to either his pregnant 14-year-old girlfriend or his brother in the army crying his eyes out.
My mate has become a chav what can i do? answer is shoot him before it is too late
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And if that doesn’t clear it up:
Commonly thought to be of inferior intellect, the Chavette surprises us with its cunning plan to avoid taking up a professional career and provide itself with free accommodation supplied by tax payers by spawning multi coloured mini chavs at a early stage in life, usually mid teens.
Clearly recognisable by their distinctive tribal Burberry they congregate in town centres and on street corners, Chavs have a reputation of being creative with public property and motor vehicles, building themselves Chaviots out of mechcano sets and strip lighting, and providing us with humorous banta written on toilet walls like ‘Shit’ and ‘Tasha woz ere’ in an attempt to relieve our boredom while urinating.
Their language is a basic form of English thus avoiding any words they cannot spell or pronounce, even to the extent of creating new words only they know the meaning of.
Hunting in large groups Chavs will single out the weakest, smallest prey and attack it without mercy avoiding any personal injury and insuring victory.
Chavs unfortunately don’t yet fall into the category of rodent and in effect cannot be bludgeoned to death under the guise of pest control. Darn!-
I think I speak for everyone when I say thank you Chavs for the great contribution you’ve made to this country, you’ve made it what it what it is today – a shit hole.
coffeeandmissingstars 